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Blindingly Obvious - Hype1's Weekly Advice Column
By: Hype1.com
Date: 2006-04-08 21:39:58
 
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Ladies and Gentlemen, Hype1 presents the first edition of Blindingly Obvious, our weekly advice column. If you are in a bind and don’t know what to do, write us at advice@hype1.com. Our concerned and compassionate columnist T will do his best to help... really, he will!


How do I tell if a guy really likes me or if he just wants a booty call?


Let me first begin by debunking a major male stereotype... guys are simply not interested in booty calls. What we really want is that deep, emotion long-term relationship that can only be achieved by an irregular series of rushed, drunken and often forgettable sexual encounters. And of course he likes you, or else he wouldn’t be calling you at 3am.

There is a fine line between being the one he calls for snatch and the one he calls his match and often they are one and the same. Because isn’t any relationship just a formalization of the booty call, only without the walk of shame.

But as there seems to be a desire from most females to differentiate between the two, I will give you a fail-safe test to distinguish between whether he likes you or wants you:

If he knows your name, or at least which letter it starts with = He likes you.
If he gets your name wrong = He is probably role playing and really likes you.
If he only ever wants to do it doggystyle = He knows it’s your favourite position, another indication of how much he likes you.
If he never wants to be seen with you in public = He respects your privacy and really likes you.
If he only ever calls you when he is drunk = He must like you because guys only call people we like when we drink.

In the end, you really have nothing to worry about because the very act of calling for the booty reveals a tremendous amount of feelings any man must have for you as it’s not easy to coordinate a well-executed booty call after a night of heavy drinking. And remember, what you may term a "booty call", we men call "scouting" and we only ever scout top prospects.

If you have any more worries, just send me your number and I’d be happy to come over and discuss this more in depth, but only after midnight.


My friends always want me to come out drinking with them so I end up going out, spending all my money and getting wasted all the time...how can I avoid this and still be "cool"?


The way I see it you have two options: Either stop complaining and look for cheaper ways to get drunk (pre-drink you fool!) or you find new friends.

When faced with this same question your mother would probably answer, "If all you friends jumped off a cliff would you?" Well you could jump and maintain your pride, or you could find a new set of friends who don’t jump off cliffs and then when you jumped they would all agree that you are the craziest son of a bitch that they know.

The key to being cool is to surround yourself with people who are less cool than you. Now if you are concerned about going out and drinking then you need to start looking for people who do the very opposite but where do you find these reclusive loners? A good place to start is the Internet cafes, Libraries, school cafeterias and even second hand clothing stores like Value Village and the Salvation Army. Once you have won them over with your crazy stories and adventures then you can take them all out for a night of curb drinking. You need to release these nerds slowly into the wild so that they don’t freak out and return to their computers, trailers or boxes. Once you have shown them how to mix a two litre of coke with a 26 of rum so that no one suspects you are drinking booze and other cool drinking tricks, they will automatically hold you in the highest regard and worship the ground you walk on. That is how you become cool.

Another way effective way is to hang out with younger people. This way they will think you are cool because you are older. A good way to find these youngsters is to hang around the local liquor stores and wait for some one to ask you to "boot". Once this happens you are so in. An advantage to this method is that you get to hang out with more girls as they love older men and when you hang out with girls your coolness factor increases tenfold, just beware of the legal repercussions, but in most cases, the law cannot beat cool.

Which method you choose is up to you, but remember, it is impossible to be cool unless you go out and get drunk, it’s a scientific fact.


Send your questions to advice@hype1.com!!!


How do I nicely tell a guy I don’t want to give him my number without lying and saying I have a boyfriend or hurting his ego?

Before you begin to let your conscience cloud your decisions remember that is it nearly impossible to damage a man’s ego. Our egos are like those stress balls that you can squeeze the hell out of but always, always returns to its original shape ? except that the only difference is that our egos continually grow.

But how do you avoid that awkward situation of forced number exchange without looking like a total bitch? Some girls give the old fake number but guys have caught on to that scam (albeit it took us a long time); some girls use the "I have a boyfriend" line but that never fools anyone because if you really had a boyfriend you wouldn’t have gotten to this situation in the first place; and some girls use the "I don’t have a phone so why don’t you give me your number" game, if starving villagers in Africa have cell phones (which most do) then there is no way your lame ass doesn’t have one. There is no reason to lie ladies as I will now reveal another method that is virtually fool proof.

All you need to do is create a fake email address, something bubbly and playful that incorporates your name. Like if your name is Jennifer, something like jennuwine_hottie@hotmail.com. When a guy asks for your number just give him this email address, this way you will give off the impression of being nice and he will feel like a king and look like a hero in front of his friends who are no doubt watching the proceedings from the upper level. Now here is why this plan is golden, 99% of all guys are too lazy to actually sit down on a computer and write an email and for those sad, lonely 1% who do, their email won’t bounce back because jennuwine_hottie@hotmail.com is a real account. And the kicker is that you can even read his emails and laugh/pity him and who knows, maybe even fall for his pathetically adorable attempts to contact you.

This ladies is your fool proof way to avoid giving your number to guys without lying or looking like a bitch and if the email thing still doesn’t get him off your back, just remember these three simple words... I am gay.
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